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Hellyears
"After many a debate, much murder and the consumption of the wrongful's grey matter--yet another hellyear shall finally be grown from the feted body of the hellmanac!" — a hellstorian of the Grisled Teeth book circle. Information Hellyears is a measurement of time used by hellstorians in Supreme Death Hell. A hellyear usually begins when any given hellstorian feels an important, hell-changing event has occurred. A discussion amongst all existing hellstorian book circles takes place and the new hellyear is made official. However, the start of a new hellyear is a horrid and lengthy process due to the thousands of hellstorians disagreeing with one-another about starting the new year. Thus, brutal internecine wars break lose amongst the hellstorian book circles as they beat each other to death with ancient tomes and devour one another's limbic systems. When the war is concluded, the winning hellstorian book circle officially sanctions the new year. Function Hellyears are not numerical units but instead a collection of intricate memorandums set in an order from left to right in the great hellmanac, recording all notable events that have occurred in Supreme Death Hell from the first beginning. Each hellyear is given its own special name by a coven of asshole soothsayers who can effectively predict the awful things that will happen in the upcoming hellyear. Even so, these asshole soothsayers never share their secrets with anyone as they enjoy the suffering inflicted on each nation, only giving the hellyear an enigmatic name reflecting the events yet to come. Notable Hellyears 'Hellyear of the First Beginning, '''fall on ass The official name of the hellyear in which the nations in Supreme Death Hell were first thrown into its ghastly netherscapes. '''Hellyear of the Gaping, '''fractured but whole The hellyear is marked by one of the few times in recorded history that Satan's Asshole, in a great flux of undulating contractions, widened by a span of twelve killometers (a single killometer being a hundred miles in fleshrealm measurement). During this time, hundreds of nations since lost to history were suddenly engulfed in the vast abyss of the asshole. Every nation felt the stirrings of an apocalypse, before all was suddenly silenced. The Asshole puckered closed, and suddenly where once a hundred nations stood, barely more than a dozen remained. The Great Hellsea was made to fill this gap, and two great continents were formed. '''Hellyear of the Exploration', greedy grubbing bastards Following the Great Hellsea's sudden existence, every nation save for those landlocked or too primitive suddenly launched great expeditions for a rumored treasure, One Piss. Old hellum scrolls say that One Piss had the power to grant it's owner anything in all of the realities of the multiverse, and not even the kabal of gods could prevent it from being fulfilled. If One Piss ever did exist is unknown, but legends of the great hell captains are told to this day, from Long John Slaver of Stairsteppia, Seaboss Mickey the Motherfucker of the Grand Mafiate, Rattlebone Goldenknuckle of the United Skeletons, and many others are told. Hellyear of the Great Filter, 'build over dead During this hellyear, many of the fledgling early nations that had arisen in the region were seemingly erased from existence. The most popular theory as to what happened include; Escaping via Satan ass, being consumed by Satan ass or getting overrun by other nations. Some hushed whispers even say that it was the dark god BANNU who removed these nations, but perhaps the truth will never be known. 'Hellyear of the First Grand Calamity, 'supreme war one The hellyear in which the First Great War of Satan's Asshole broke loose. 'Hellyear of Satan's Horrid Ass 'Aerobics,' 'broke of bones The hellyear in which The Unholy Empire of the Evil Wizard Satanists first invaded The Superior People's Republic of Taking Two Steps at a Time up the Stairs starting the War of the Steps. 'Hellyear of the Conquering Concordant, 'bloxerbone shit murd The hellyear in which The Grand Mafiate of the Assortment of Fresh Mafioso reaches out to many neighbouring nations in order to stage an invasion of the secluded Kingdom of Bloxerbot . A successful invasion of the Kingdom was launched but ended in a catastrophe as the reckless nation of Atomicbombia nuked the nation while still under annexation. '''Hellyear of the Grandest Prince, '''fat their gristle The Grand Prince of Voytekia , in a bid to control the flow of time in Supreme Death Hell, invites all living Hellstorians to his fortress-palace with the promise of a grand, luxurious feast. As most Hellstorians have only themselves to eat, almost all take him up on the offer. As night fell, the Grand Prince and several of his closest advisors pulled out machine guns and mowed down the hapless Hellstorians. Servants then took their corpses and threw them into the newly prototyped Badgerblender 5000, turning a mountain of corpses into a slurry in but a few moments. Sipping from this slurry of sordid scholars, the Grand Prince declared himself the last living Hellstorian, and declared the new Hellyear to be named after himself. This is the shortest Hellyear of all time, lasting only 20 minutes. '''Hellyear of the Motherfuck Bastard, '''disgusting pyramid man Two Hellstorians yet lived from the massacre of Lampland City, and once they were able to discover each other in the chaos of escaping, they agreed that the new Hellyear would be an insult to the Grand Prince. As they had two votes to his 1, they were able to write this Hellyear in the recovered Great Hellmanac. '''Hellyear of the Miserly Grifters, '''money thrown asshole The hellyear in which all of the nations of Supreme Death Hell, under influence of a curse of unknown origin, pile in the vast majority of their national treasuries into a grand supercarrier, in hopes of bribing their way out of Satan's Asshole. The supercarrier is loaded with trillions, perhaps quadrillions, of monies. It is never seen again as it crosses the event horizon of Satan's Asshole. The economic devastation is promptly ignored as everyone pretends to still be rich. 'Hellyear of The Sulking Void, 'only skeletons survive The hellyear in which a great majority of all nations in Supreme Death Hell mysteriously vanish, many sinking down in the great hellsea. Only The Peaceful Realm of United Skeletons are found to have survived in a long year of solace. 'Hellyear of 'Gatekeeping,' 'forgot the password The hellyear in which many nations are reported as trying to crawl their way out of the hellsea, but are said to have been unknowingly kept back by The Peaceful Realm of United Skeletons through mysterious means. 'Hellyear of The Great Vomiting, 'all fuck return The hellyear in which all nations suddenly return to the surface of Supreme Death Hell, appearing as if from thin air, violently compressing the entire region, shaking it to its core, killing millions, and finally blasting upwards with the power of a colossal ejaculating geyser, the regions making their ill-fated return to the surface of Supreme Death Hell. 'Hellyear of the Second Great Calamity, hell fuck war The hellyear in which The Grand Prince of Voytekia attempted to stem the tide of war in Supreme Death Hell after the unfortunate return of all prominent nations during the Hellyear of The Great Vomiting, all fuck return. In what many Hellstorians consider an utterly hilarious and extremely irrational act, The Grand Prince invited over the world leaders of Supreme Death Hell to Voytekia to discuss peace. However, knowing ahead of time that at least half the nations would be belligerent about the idea, The Grand Prince ordered his underlings to smuggle bombs into the capitals of those nations most likely to gainsay The Prince. As suspected, the nation of Stairsteppia leveled open criticism at the Voytekians attempt to bring the nations together, seeing the invitation imparted upon Supreme Prime President of Stairsteppia, Longbone McAllister, to a region of an inferior altitude, to be an insult. Soon after, the Armed Republic of Helicoptera also refused to participate, seeing the Voytekians eagerness to speak with the 'Skeleton Menace' as a betrayal of their alliance from the previous war. In conjunction, The Peaceful Realm of United Skeletons perceived this peace-meeting as a trap set up by CASKET, while The Holy Empire of Nostlevania and the Radioactive metro system of Atomicbombia also refused peace talks purely for business reasons. In response, The Grand Prince set his backup-plan into action, informing the nations who had refused his proposal that bombs have been planted within the capitals of their nations, giving them 12 hours to comply. This act of mass terrorism soon found Voytekia surrounded on all sides by enemies, as Helicoptera leaves CASKET and Stairsteppia takes part in the Infernal Hell Army. Ironically, the same hubris that led The Grand Prince to believe that he could tame the eternal war of Supreme Death Hell, lead to the second greatest war in its history.